Suicide Is Never The Answer.

I had always believed that if a person was in enough mental and emotional pain that it should be okay to commit suicide. Perhaps because I have been one of those people who has felt that pain. I had a first hand perspective so to speak. People say suicide is a selfish act and I always thought keeping the person here on Earth who is suffering is an un-compassionate and  selfish act. Why would we keep someone here if they are suffering so much that taking their own life is the only means of stopping their pain? How selfish are we? Why not let them have a compassionate suicide to relieve them of  the tremendous pain they are suffering. Isn’t it selfish for us to want to keep them here in anguish just so we don’t miss them and so we don’t hurt? Those were my thoughts 20 years ago. But we evolve and change every day.

Then one day when I had almost had enough of this life, my best friend told me  something that resonated deeply within me. He believes that there is a shock wave of pain created when a person commits suicide. Nobody who knew the suicide victim ever forgets it and it is always a cause of pain and sadness in their life at the thought of their actions. His words saved me that day. I had a new understanding and perspective of the consequences of my actions.  You leave behind so much more pain than you can imagine. You may even leave behind loved ones who feel that maybe if they would have been there for you or reached out in some way they could have helped you through it. And no matter how much you tell them that that’s not the case, they still feel that guilt.

I believe many people just don’t tell anyone what they are feeling or going through because of fear of judgement and some are so far gone they might not want anyone to try to stop them. It’s hard to grasp and survivor’s guilt is real. It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes the pain is just too much to bear. But there is always light, if you seek it.

Now, just because someone commits suicide does not technically mean that the pain stops right there for them on flatline. Maybe for that brief moment, yes, a moment of peace. But we are all connected to each other beyond time and space. If I died and you are hurting, you bet your butt that I am hovering right over you, hurting with you and trying to show you that I love you and that my actions were not meant to hurt you but just meant to really relieve me of this tremendous despair, it’s nobody’s fault.

My friend’s short but powerful words had finally got me to understand what I could not understand all my life. That to take away my misery only to cause other’s misery for the rest of their lives is something I can never do to the people I love. And that doesn’t make me better than someone who has committed suicide. It just means that I had this valuable knowledge imparted to me at a time of despair that helped me see the light. And I want to impart this knowledge to help prevent someone else from going through with it. Trust me, it’s not easy, I still feel really depressed now and again but I know that no matter how much pain I am in, I don’t ever want to be the cause of that kind of pain for anyone I love. And I believe that since we are all connected, we feel the pain we caused to our loved ones throughout time space but we forgive ourselves because that is what beings of love do when we no longer have an ego, we forgive.

Right after that conversation with my friend many years ago I meditated on his words and my gratitude towards him for shining his light on me. That night I had a lucid dream that  that I was being pulled from the Earth towards the sky and some force took me away. I tried to hold on to my loved ones but I couldn’t, I had to leave them, I could not take them with me or stay no matter how hard I tried. I was so sad.  Next thing you know everything goes pitch dark and instantaneously I was teleported to this very gloomy waiting room with a bunch of people who were also very gloomy and sad. (limbo perhaps) A random person came out of nowhere and told us we had to go back (to Earth) and start all over again. Everyone was miserable and and we became very angry. Not something we wanted to do at all. Start all over??? After all that I went through??? I cried at the thought of having to do it all over again and had to accept it. After I accepted it I woke from the dream crying.

This dream spoke volumes to me. I have many times felt intuitively that I had committed suicide in the life before this one. I believe a suicide in one life makes the next life that much harder because you carry around that guilt, pain and shame for the pain you caused the people you love in your past life. You don’t know why you feel these feelings of sadness, hopelessness and despair but maybe that pain is remnants of energy  that you bring over to this life and sometimes you just don’t understand that your past life is the reason why you have so many issues in this one. So many unresolved issues and trauma. But once you get a glimpse of understanding, it makes the journey that much more meaningful and fascinating. It brings forth gratitude. There is a great book by Dr. Brian Weiss called “Many Lives, Many Masters” that dives very deep into the topic of reincarnation and unresolved issues from past lives. I HIGHLY recommend it.

So what my dream may be trying to say is that maybe suicide is not an escape, maybe after suicide you have to do it all over again until you get it right and complete your full life cycle, like you are meant to. I just can’t imagine going through the things I have gone through in my life… again. Unimaginable. It’s like spending all your life writing the most amazing/unbelievable book and almost finishing it and then just setting fire to that book. Nobody will ever see the ending or know the amazing stories inside. You will then have to start all over again and rewrite it, what a tragedy, for you and for your loved ones.

So in closing, I’m not saying all suicides are the same. Some come from a deep despair that most people could never fathom. And I believe that as “all loving beings”, we forgive and we use that pain as a tool to grow. They left in order to help you see the bigger picture. To help you appreciate your life, what you have and the people in it. To help you live the life you would not have lived had you not have had to suffer through such tremendous pain. Loss transforms many of us in a deep way and what we can do to honor those we lost is to live a life filled with compassion and to love everyone you come in contact with. And to appreciate those around you, they may not be here tomorrow.  Material possessions come and go, you can’t take all that stuff with you. All we take is the love, it never dies and stays with us always.

So if you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please know that you are an amazing person who just may be going though a very difficult time but if you seek the light, you will come out of that despair with a whole new perspective. I’m not saying it will be easy, it’s tough but it’s so worth it, and I’m here sending you all the healing, loving energy I can. You are loved.

Note: These are just my thoughts and opinions based on my life, my losses, my experiences and my pain. Devil’s advocate, you can say. I don’t condone suicide but I sure don’t blame anyone for easing their suffering in a moment of despair.



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